BlackNET NavySEALs.com
US/1; US/60; Unknown LE
[BKNT -BlackSnakeHUMOR - Sat 1/28/2006 4:50 PM]
AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES UPON ENCOUNTERING A VENOMOUS SNAKE WITHIN THEIR JURISDICTION
1. FBI:
Searches for but cannot locate snake. After snake is caught by the local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds press conference and assumes credit for capture of [a] snake.
2. USSS (Secret Service):
Forms a protective ring of agents around snake and escorts to a safe area.
3. ATF:
Sends SRT team to arrest snake; they expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down killing the snake and other local fauna. At a Congressional inquiry makes a presentation on why additional funding is required to properly train agents how to battle the threat of snakes.
4. TSA:
Abides by Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" of venomous snakes, which requires "random" snake inspections. Venomous snake escapes while TSA officials strip-search non-venomous species.
5. IRS-CID:
Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30 pm.
6. ICE:
After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. Snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.
7. DEA:
Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snakes cell phone after discovering that the above agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. Spends $3M to discover the snake is not Colombian.
Searches for but cannot locate snake. After snake is caught by the local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds press conference and assumes credit for capture of [a] snake.
2. USSS (Secret Service):
Forms a protective ring of agents around snake and escorts to a safe area.
3. ATF:
Sends SRT team to arrest snake; they expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down killing the snake and other local fauna. At a Congressional inquiry makes a presentation on why additional funding is required to properly train agents how to battle the threat of snakes.
4. TSA:
Abides by Congressional ruling to prevent "profiling" of venomous snakes, which requires "random" snake inspections. Venomous snake escapes while TSA officials strip-search non-venomous species.
5. IRS-CID:
Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30 pm.
6. ICE:
After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. Snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.
7. DEA:
Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snakes cell phone after discovering that the above agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. Spends $3M to discover the snake is not Colombian.
8. U.S. Attorney's Office:
Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."
9. USBP (Border Patrol)
Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."
9. USBP (Border Patrol)
Captures snake. Cannot communicate with snake resulting in recruitment drive for snake handlers. Takes snake back to border (for the 4th time).
10. Sheriff's Office
Shoots snake after driving over it several times. Puts snake in another City Police Officer's car while parked in jail parking area.
INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY (IC) SNAKE ANALYSIS INTER-AGENCY REVIEW COMMITTEE (NIC/IC-SA/I-ARC)
CIA-DO: Recruits snake. Intelligence Medals awarded.
CIA-CTC: Retracts previous snake ‘threat indicator’ cover sheet from snake 201 file.
CIA-DI: Disputes snake ID; files complaint that snake intelligence is being “politicized.”
STATE: Mexico Desk cables missive on Mexican snake policy: REF: DNI cable ‘What snake?’
DNI: What snake?
NSA: No one is ‘cleared’ high enough to be briefed on ANY snake SIGINT, or even the fact that they may not actually have any.
Congressional Oversight Committees: Hold closed snake hearings; ‘deplore’ coming snake epidemic and demand NSA institute ‘crash’ snake handler language program.
FBI: Launches investigation of possible CIA-DI leak of ‘classified’ undercover snake ID to NYT.
NYT: Editorial demands ‘Open’ Congressional hearings and a Special Prosecutor.
WHITE HOUSE: Stonewalls; claims FISA foreign snake exemption.
INDEPENDENT COUNSEL appointed.
Reporter Bob Woodard goes to jail to protect the snake…
[US/1]
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